How to Navigate Relationship Conflicts When They Feel Bigger Than the Relationship
- Apr 27
- 3 min read
Pretty often, when people think about being in a relationship, they assume that if two people are truly compatible, problems shouldn’t exist. This belief can be misleading because the moment conflict shows up, it can feel like something is fundamentally wrong, as if one foot is already out the door. In reality, learning to understand conflict, what can be resolved, and what requires deeper reflection can strengthen a relationship.
Types of Relationship Conflicts
Gottman (2018) describes three types of conflict: solvable, perpetual, and gridlocked.
Solvable problems are situational issues, such as dividing household chores or managing logistics with children. These are problems where a concrete solution is possible.
Perpetual problems involve ongoing differences in personality or lifestyle. These tend to resurface over time, such as differences in punctuality, organization, need for time alone versus together, or relationships with in laws.
Gridlocked problems are perpetual issues that can no longer be discussed without one or both partners feeling hurt. Conversations often end with both people feeling rejected or stuck, and partners may begin to see each other as opponents rather than allies.
Christensen, Doss, and Jacobson (2020), in Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy, explain that softer emotions are often hidden beneath anger, which makes it harder to express vulnerability. They suggest that couples are more likely to reach workable solutions when they feel emotionally safe.
How to Approach Conflict in a Healthy Way
One of the main suggestions for couples is to identify the common topics where they tend to feel stuck, such as children, sex, or household responsibilities. Often, the issue is not just the topic itself, but the process around it, including how the conversation begins, whether there is validation, the emotions involved, and the meaning behind the conflict.
Address one topic at a time. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), it is understood that emotions can build on each other. When multiple emotions go unaddressed, conversations tend to reflect accumulated frustration rather than the specific issue. For example, if you stay quiet when your partner does not take out the trash, and other frustrations build up, you may bring everything up at once later. This often leaves both people feeling like nothing was actually resolved.
Notice your feelings and assess whether you are ready to continue the conversation or need to pause and create space.
Describe the situation rather than your partner. Try to avoid blame and focus on understanding what is happening.
Share the feelings underneath the initial reaction, such as what is beneath anger, and move toward connection rather than defensiveness.
Just because you are facing problems with your partner does not mean there is no way forward. When conflicts become more difficult, couples therapy can help create clarity and direction. Therapy is not about fixing your partner, but about both people becoming more aware of and changing the patterns that keep the cycle going.
When to Consider Couples Therapy
Differences in personality are getting in the way of building the relationship you both want.
Conflict feels repetitive and difficult to revisit without causing more hurt.
Life transitions, such as having children, experiencing grief, starting a new job, navigating extended family, or acculturation, make it difficult to regain a sense of stability.
You want to understand each other’s perspective without assuming the problem lies only with your partner.
You want to continue growing the relationship and strengthen what is already working.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2018). Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Workman Publishing.
Christensen, A., Doss, B. D., & Jacobson, N. S. (2020). Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy: A Therapist’s Guide to Creating Acceptance and Change (2nd ed.). W. W. Norton & Company.
Dr. Nayda Lamberty, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist and board-certified in Couple and Family Psychology. She works with adults and couples navigating trauma, relationship strain, and cultural adjustment. Born and raised in Puerto Rico, she brings both clinical training and lived understanding to the experience of building a life across cultures. She offers therapy in English and Spanish via telehealth across Texas.
